Where do we begin?
- Everyone seems to have the answer these days. We’ll teach you to ‘X’, Join our course and you’ll learn how to ‘Y’, there’s a Guru on every corner. If we believed it all, it would appear that we are the only ones who don’t have it together. One of the things I always believed was there must be some kind of trick to it all, something that I’d missed out on being told or taught. Now I know it is up to me and a process of looking inside one’s own self. It doesn’t need to take years, no one else can do it for me, it is a lifelong journey and not dissimilar to looking after your body. When we eat well, exercise, stay away from processed food, alcohol, sugar etc, we physically feel better. It’s a daily practice. So too is our emotional health a daily practice – it is work, hard work, which is why so many of us avoid it. It is painful, trying, and exhausting. Yet, at the end of it the results are incredible because you end up with YOU !
- Let me tell you one thing we know for sure – We ALL struggle, we ALL are trying to find the answers and we ALL get lost. Where do we begin, how do we know we are on the right path? If you are asking yourself these questions, like us all, you are trying to understand what makes you tick – why do you do the things you do? At Kindarma, we suggest you begin here;
a) Know Your History
- The Symptom – 99% of the time there is a symptom and many ways this can present itself – depression, overeating, overachieving, accumulating ‘stuff’, people pleasing, addictions, “something’s wrong with me/them”, “why aren’t I happy?” “Should I be happy?” “What is happy”? You name it – there is something we are doing that prevents us from stopping, looking and slowing down. We all have a symptom. The underlying cause to the symptom is PAIN, which we numb, ignore or push down with ‘The Symptom’.
- There is always A Cause. Every single time. The common cause we all learnt is ‘We are not enough, as we are’. From here we believe there is something that is not available to us (happiness, job, $, partner) because “I am different to everyone else and I can’t connect”. From here we take on a ‘persona’ mask, that protects us from not feeling enough. That mask can be anything, but what it isn’t is YOU.
b) Begin by looking into the Patterns of your Family – Past & Present.
- People don’t have to have had a traumatic childhood to have taken on patterns that aren’t serving for themselves. As children all we wanted and needed for survival was their love and approval. Because our caregivers have their own flaws they pass on fears, conditions and behaviors – we are all wounded. We learn that we are either – valuable & deserving or worthless and hopeless
- Start with the relationship between your Mother and hers. Your Father and his. Was it kind, loving, generous, was affection shown daily? Was it aggressive, angry, passive aggressive, traumatic, harmful, full of derogatory comments and put downs? How was/ is your parents relationship now?
- This gives us a clear picture of how our parents would have raised us and where we stand now with them. What kinds of things were you told were wrong? What did you take to heart, that may have broken your heart? Do you have a memory of one particular event or moment? What did you learn about yourself that you have continued to live by today?
- What role did you take on to receive the love and approval? Usually falls into 4 areas; The Sick, The Carer, The Outstanding, The Rebel. I.e. The Carer earns love, praise and recognition by taking care of everyone’s needs above their own. Believes that love must be earned, chased and worked for. Is often attracted to damaged, broken people who they work to repair.
- Remember, many people are not aware of their behavior, they don’t take the time to slow down and respond instead we react.Parents can very much love their children and want the best for them, however they are not aware of how their upbringing has impacted them.
c) Observe, Journal and spend time Reflecting.
- Spend time observing how you interact with your parents now. Do you feel seen and heard? Are you punished for not doing ‘the right thing’. Do they behave differently with friends to family? Are you told your emotions are wrong? Can they regulate their own emotions? Do you support your parents emotionally? Do they blame others for making them feel a certain way? Do they feel responsible for the emotions of others people?
- What are the things that ‘trigger’ you. Meaning your reaction to something said or done is an over – reaction. Its not calm, or peaceful. It causes you to feel anger, rage, sad, despair. Write about how they make you feel.
- These triggers are your gifts, they are the path to healing. These are the wounds that need your attention. We inherit eye color, hair color etc from our parents, but also habits, behavioral patterns and beliefs. We need to be willing to look at them with true honesty and it is from here that we can begin to accept them. The only way we can do this is through taking the time for ourselves. We all have to go through this journey – and usually it will mean spending the time reflecting, which is why you’ll hear people say to spend time in nature, yoga, walking or writing down your thoughts. Changing the way we think about ourselves is where it begins.
- If you need support as you go through this journey, reach out to one of us on the Kindarma platform, we can share our story with you and maybe pass on some of the insights and learnings we gained. One thing is for sure, you are not alone. It may feel like it sometimes, but we are here to help you understand there is support and hope, just reach out.